It's too early to be awake...

Ahhhh.... Steve's back home. One more night shift to go and then woohoo it's the weekend (well, not quite, just the weekend for Steve). I like when his days off fall during the week, his kids are at their Mom's, mine are at school, and we can actually get some great "us" time.

It's going to take a long time to get used to Steve. I keep waiting for the "real" Steve to show. I guess I'm still used to what life was like with my ex. Don't get me wrong, I like that I don't have to walk on eggshells, or be afraid of what the day will bring. I love how thoughtful Steve is, his amazing sense of humor. I like that I don't have to be afraid anymore.

"I like that I don't have to be afraid anymore." Guess that's a bit of a loaded statement. I'm glad my children aren't living that way anymore. I never realized how much they could hear or that they knew what was going on when they would scatter off to their room. I'm grateful that it's all behind us. I'm grateful we survived it. We have our scars... but we survived.

Everything about Steve amazes me. I can't believe I managed to ever find someone like him. For once, I can say I'm lucky.

A fellow adoptee had this posted on their facebook this morning;

Social Interview asks When someone says they love you, do you believe them?

"I answered ''I don't. I have never been able to trust or believe it when some compliments me, praises me, or tells me they love me. I do take to heart the nasty stuff I've been called, told, or over heard.''

Thank you J., you summed up exactly how I feel most of the time. My own mother didn't love me enough to keep me and gave me away. My adoptive mother treated me so horrible that child protection took me away. My ex tried to kill me. Why would I believe it when someone says they love me?

I'm fully capable of loving someone, I try to show Steve I love him all the time, but when it comes to receiving love... that's a whole different ball game.

I'm sorry Steve, it seems like you got the shitty end sometimes with me. I love you, but it's going to take a long time for me to trust you in what you say and to believe you when you say it. It's nothing you've done, and there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe time will change things, but it's going to take a lot of it.

Sometimes I just don't know how Steve puts up with me. I have my needy side and as hard as I try to not let that side show, sometimes I can't help it. I don't feel "love-able"

Maybe that's why I want to put off marriage. I love Steve, I'm not going anywhere... and I would hope neither is he. I don't need that piece of paper that tells me that. I once heard someone describe marriage as an ownership thing, and the more I thought of it the more it made sense to me. I don't feel a need to "own" Steve, and I would hope he feels the same. Between my birth, my adoption and my marriage I've had a lot more last names than most people ever see. I don't need another last name or a new identity. I'm still trying to discover who I really am. Maybe someday I'll give in and really want it. Now's not that time.

I used to like that fact that there was no strings. That if things ever went south (can't see it, but still....) I could walk away and never look back. But I've been thinking about that, and it's completely not true. I can't just walk away from "his" kids. They've become a part of me. I'm not their mother and I never will be, I can accept that. They have a mother, their mother, and even with her short comings, she still is and always will be their mother. I want to be there to see them grow up and know that I had a part of that. I also fear that separating our children would only hurt them. They act like siblings now. Their all starting to find their little niche's in the family.

This will be our first Christmas all together as one very big family. The preparations have been under way for a couple months now. I want to do it in a big way. I know last year Christmas was horrible for Steve and his kids, I want to show them just how great and how much fun Christmas can be. I'm kind of hoping that Steve's parents will decide to join us, from what I know they'll be spending Christmas just the two of them, and maybe they're happy with that, but to me Christmas is family, and the more family the better. My own won't be there, I guess Steve's is the next best thing.

I'm going to miss my big new years bash this year. Every year on New years day I would do the huge turkey supper and invite everyone over. I've always looked forward to it. It's a great time after the rush of the holidays to sit back, relax and enjoy some great company. Being in a new city where I don't know anyone, it's a little hard to do something like that, at least not on the scale we're used to doing. It's the one big tradition we had every year that I'm really going to miss... perhaps next year when I know a few more people.