Nan...

I miss you. It's a little less than a month until your birthday. I miss our long calls, I miss our long talks while I cleaned your home and you would stand over me giving me shit for every little thing.

You were the strongest woman I've ever known. The most opinionated, the most out spoken. It's a rare quality you had.

I hated seeing the cancer eat away at you. I hated seeing you become such a small person withering away to nothing as the cancer ate at you. I hate myself because at the end I couldn't stand there and watch you take your last breaths, and be there for you the way you were for me so many times over the years.

I know that you never accepted your fate, you fought it like a champ. You were too worried about everyone else to allow your body to give in and have the rest it so desperately craved. That was just you, underneath your tough exterior, you had a pure heart.

I'm glad I passed up the opportunity to go see you laid out at the funeral home before your cremation. As I saw in the hospital room the day before you passed, that really wasn't you. I don't want to remember you like that. I want to keep you in my memories sitting there in the early morning sun, enjoying the songs of the birds, a cigarette in one hand, your boobs flopping to your knees... that was you. What I saw in that hospital room that last day was a shell... not MY Nan.

May you rest in peace until I can see you again and take my proper place beside you in hell.

Bon débarras

What do you do when someone you hated dies? When a man whose being applauded as a hero of sorts...when you know the truth? Do you say anything or do you keep your mouth shut?

Influenza: 27-year-old youngest NBer whose death has been linked to virus, health official says




QUISPAMSIS - The H1N1 influenza virus has claimed the life of a generous, encouraging, brave 27-year-old, the man's mother said through tears Tuesday.


Michael Thomas Neill of Quispamsis died at the Saint John Regional Hospital on Monday.

Carolyn Neill said her only son had a history of asthma and pneumonia and had been complaining of breathing troubles before he was diagnosed with the H1N1 influenza virus in early December.

"He said it was so bad he wanted to rip his chest open," Neill said of her son's condition. "We rushed him right in and they put him on oxygen."

Neill spent the next three and a half weeks at her son's bedside.

"They put him on a ventilator and under sedation," she said. "They wanted him to be comfortable."

When doctors brought her son out of sedation he struggled to breathe until he eventually stopped, Neill said.

"My son was good guy; he tried so hard," she said through tears. "His friends said he was kind to everybody. He was like the jolly green giant."

Despite her insistence, her son did not get the H1N1 vaccine, Neill said.

"He didn't get the shot," she said. "He was a normal 27-year-old. I asked him to get it but they just figure they're indestructible at that age."

Neill said she urges anyone who hasn't been immunized to get the vaccine immediately.

"I would never want anybody to go through this," she said. "I just hope someone's mother says to their son, 'You have to get it.' Kids should be getting the shot."

Michael Neill's death is the eighth and youngest fatality associated with the H1N1 virus in the province, said Dr. Paul Van Buynder, New Brunswick's deputy chief medical health officer.

Neill was also the first person in the province to have an H1N1 virus resistant to Tamiflu, the most common antiviral used to fight the infection, Van Buynder said.

Drug-resistant cases of H1N1 are rare and have only occurred several dozen times across the world, Van Buynder said. It means "the first-line medication used to treat the infection, Tamiflu, does not work because the virus has changed in such a way as to be resistant to the medication.

"(Michael Neill) was treated with alternative anti-virals because the ones used for everyone else in Canada didn't work in his case."

Van Buynder could not say why the young man had the rare form of the infection other than that the virus occasionally mutates.

"He was infected in early December and we didn't see any other cases linked to him with the same virus," Van Buynder said, adding that the public should not worry that the death signifies a new pandemic. "His passing away is not a sign that the virus is returning in a nastier form.

"He contracted his infection way back in the start of December. If we were going to see a problem we would see it then, not now. It's very difficult for the virus to circulate in New Brunswick because too many people have been vaccinated."

Two-thirds of the population of New Brunswick - or almost 500,000 people - have been vaccinated, Van Buynder said.

He said Michael Neill comes from the target age group of men that officials have been challenged with convincing of the importance of the vaccination.

"I think the sad passing away of this young man reminds us that the young men who have not stepped up and got themselves vaccinated are not immune to the possible severe consequences of the pandemic."

As a child, Neill said her son played football and was the first player in his league to receive an achievement reward for encouraging and helping others two years in a row.

"He helped others and he did his best," she said.

As a young man he liked video games, his car and his friends, she said.

"He loved going out with his buds," Neill said, adding that a steady stream of calls of support have been pouring into her home. "He loved life. He loved his friends."

Neill said her family has lived in Quispamsis their whole lives and she said she is grateful for the last month she was able to be at her son's side.

"I was just glad I got to be with him."

Visiting for Michael Thomas Neill will take place today from 2 to 4 p.m. and 7 to 9 p.m. at Brenan's Select Community Funeral Home. The funeral service will be held Thursday at Brenan's Chapel at 10 a.m.

Funny how it fails to mention that this man was responsible for inflicting such abuse on his own new born daughter that she may never be mentally capable of living on her own or having any of the normal life experiences all children should have.

When young Victoria Neill was just 4 months old, her loving "generous" father dropped her on her head to a marble coffee table. When she became unconcious from the incident, her "generous" father shook her rendering irrepairable brain damage. He was convicted of this crime and spent a year and a half locked behind bars in the states. Upon his release he was promptly deported for being in the states illegally.

Fast forward one year. Mr. Neill refuses to work, instead choosing to have an affair with a married woman, (yes it can be argued that it was just as much her decision as it was his, and it was) he chose to involve himself and agravate the situation involving 4 young children from the marriage. The problem I have with this situation is he would take this woman's welfare check, screw her for paying her rent and providing a roof over these kids heads, or waste the money provided to feed them on his marijuana habit.

It's well known that Karma is a bitch. I find it irronic that the very children you chose to try and rob of a home and food are the same children that first caught H1N1 and are most likely where you caught the H1N1 that led to your demise.

So Mr. Neill, did you leave your mark on the world? Yes I suppose you did. I wish I could say it was a positive one. This is where one would normally close by saying rest in peace, but I do believe whatever higher source there is out there has other plans for you.

Good riddance you filthy piece of scum.

Today's word of the day...

Rogue

meaning;

Main Entry: 1rogue
Pronunciation: \ˈrōg\
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1561


1 : vagrant, tramp
2 : a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel
3 : a mischievous person : scamp
4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave
5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation



Not at ALL fitting.

Not another learning experience.....

The kids return from their mother's tomorrow morning. I'm looking forward to it. I've reached the point where 4 kids is just not enough any more. It's too quiet here with only 4. I never thought I'd reach the point where I'd be saying this. It's only taken 7 months. Wow, has it really been that long? It doesn't seem it. Yet at the same time it just seems like it's been forever, like they've always just been a part of our lives.

Things weren't always like this. It took a pretty major awakening for me to get here. I think the turning point for me was after a long talk late one night with a good friend of mine, Pat. After spending a long night dealing with all 8 on my own while Steve worked one of his night shifts, I called in near tears. The kids wouldn't stop fighting, the baby had explosions happening in places no one wants explosions, he was cranky, his butt hurt, the kids were tattling on each other every 2 minutes.... it just wouldn't end. Pat's got no experience with kids, he's never been a parent. I just needed a friend, I was frustrated. I was at my breaking point. I seriously thought I was doing both Steve and his children a dis service by staying here, staying involved. It was a shitty night.

Pat listened, he said all the right things, at exactly the right times. As Pat always does, he helped me examine the WHY's of what I was feeling. I've owned a daycare for a few years, it couldn't have been the number of kids, that's never gotten to me before. There had to be reasons behind it. Pat hit the sore point. I never realized it, there was reasons behind it and many of them.

I won't waste time listing all the reasons, it's a mute point anyway, what has stuck with me, is what Pat said at the end of the conversation....

Think back to when you were a kid... and even if you didn't know why, and even if that person didn't come right out and say it to you, you could pick up when someone just didn't like you. Don't you think they can pick up on it too?

He was right. As much as I didn't want to hear it, he was being 100% honest with me. I didn't like his kids. And it was my fault. I hadn't tried to like them. I hadn't bothered to put the time or the effort into even getting to know his kids. I wasn't even trying. They were just...there. Steve was being totally accepting of my children, and my children don't leave, he doesn't get a break from them. Yet, here I was not even making the effort to get to know his kids, or to even try.

I decided then that things had to change. I started putting the effort into things. They weren't just there anymore. I started acting like more of a parent towards them, doing things with them, being a part of their lives. It's surprising how far a little effort can take you.

Well, way more than good. Some days are still a test, but what parent doesn't have those days? Toss 8 rugrats together there's going to be days where you wished you had've taken out stock in Tylenol. But I enjoy his kids being here now, I enjoy doing things with them. In the downtime when they aren't here, I'm looking for things to do with them that hopefully won't end in disaster. It's been a challenge, and with 8 it probably always will be... but now it's a challenge I enjoy.


And Pat... thank you :D

Bully

Well, surprisingly, C. did email back. She's got more balls than I would have thought. A quick excerpt..

Please stop taking your anger out on me because I refused to sleep with you behind Lisa's back. I will no longer be communicating with you through email seeing how neither one of you have the children as your concern

Wow... C. you are even more immature than I thought you were. I feel sad for you. I understand that when I came into the picture with Steve, despite the fact that you were already living with another man, you lost your safety net. That once you realized that Steve was dating someone else, that he had moved on from you and your betrayals.

I can understand that it's gotta be a crushing blow to your self esteem when your husband says he just can't continue to play the back and forth games with you and decides for his own well being that he needs to get away from you and call it quits.

It really doesn't take very much to make a man happy. Seriously. And what they do need to be happy, requires very little effort on your part. Having more sex than your husband... that's a bit of a no no. Not trusting your man to go out and hang with the guys and chill with out you, it's actually healthy for the both of you and no it does not mean he's cheating. Yelling and screaming at him for every lil thing? not the best of ideas. Being controlling, emotionally unstable or threatening to leave every time he doesn't do things your way... surprise but that will make him feel distant from you, not closer.

Seriously, C., you've got some growing up to do. Focus on your children. Try cleaning your home so when the kids get in from school they smell dinner cooking in a nice clean house. Try taking the time to go out and show them a little something that this city and this world has to offer. Did you know that both A & Z have a love for the museum? Tuesdays is free admission day. Things don't have to be expensive, what the kids want most from you is your time, and that's free.

I know that if and when the day were to ever come that Steve decided to go back to you, he has the maturity to be a man and tell me that he can't continue things with me. I trust Steve. I trust him when he says that your allegations aren't true. I trust him when he says that the love between the two of you ended a long time ago, well before you two had actually gone your seperate ways. I'm sorry that in spite of being married to Steve that you never trusted him. But I'm not you and I do.

I've mentioned in other blog entries how I feel about Steve, our relationship and our children. So C., keep trying. If you really want for someone (anyone really) to take you or your accusations seriously, you'll need to actually put a lot more thought and effort into it.

Remember back in July when you called me up and claimed to be pregnant with Steve's baby? It didn't work then either did it? You really need to grow up. These are tricks that girls in high school play, not grown woman that are suppose to be mothers. Your not exactly setting a very good example for your children.

*********************************************************************************

I'm withholding my anger
Though I'd like to be the strangler
Of this punkass little pussy's puny neck
It's my right to insist
That he acknowledge my existence
But he just displays complete lack of respect
That's what he says to himself
....
As he sits with both feet up at his desk
Smokes a bag of his weed
And starts imagining things
And he just can't see that he's manically depressed
And in his jealousy and envy
It just whirls him in a frenzy
....
He don't exist in this world
So he just twists and he twirls
Spirals and spins till he runs himself in a rage
And it's destroying him slowly
Cuz he does not even know me
Even though he sees me everywhere he goes
So he just tortures himself
....
And now he's acting like a bully
So he tries to push and pull me
But he knows that he can't pull me so he's mad
He has no choice but to scream
And raise his voice up at me
Cuz it annoys him to see that I ain't scared


~Marshall Mathers (Eminem) "Bully"

Let the games begin.....

Ok I'm pissed. I've actually calmed down a lot from last night when all of this first happened. Had I written this post last night, it would have been nothing but @1?&^% over and over again.

Yesterday morning, Steve's kids returned to their mother's home, after spending the last 13 days here with us. I think the following email is self explanitory....

Steven,
I do have Z.'s glasses. If you could have our children properly dressed in their winter attire next time you drop them off that would be great. They froze on the walk to school.

Also I wish to inquire of the bruises on N.'s forehead. Z. and J. are telling me that D. hit him over the head with the ladder to the bunk bed. Also J. told me that the baby fell down the stairs when he was unsupervised. And he has a bunch of scratches all over his chest and stomach. I would like to know what happened and where the scratches came from.

Thank You
C.

The children also said they were unable to phone me because you told them that you didn't have a phone number for me which I send to you twice in an email already. So I will teach both J. and Z. the number and I look forward to hearing from them when they are with you. As I allow them to call you when they wish too.

Wow. Looks pretty bad eh? If your an outsider looking in with just that email, it paints Steve and I in a pretty bad light. Look at the whole picture though, and well, things become just a little more clear....

C.:

If you want to discuss concerns regarding the care of the children while in the others care then perhaps we can talk about how when you sent the children to me nearly two weeks ago, that none of the children had socks; the baby wasn’t even in a coat,; one was merely handed out with him. N. also wasn’t changed yet that day as he soaked through on the drive home at 10am. (So he would have been up for 3 – 4 hours by this point) A. was sent back to you in the coat he arrived in, I do have a winter coat for him here, and will make sure it is waiting for him when he comes back on Friday morning. When we received the children nearly two weeks ago, they had not been fed a proper breakfast, they said they were given “half a fruit rollup” each. As well the children were kept home from school that day as you had slept in. Despite all of the children being in their pajamas at 10am, you were fully dressed, even though you promised up and down they would be ready to go when L. arrived, and you were aware of the fact that L. was rearranging her work schedule to accommodate your need for someone to watch our children.

For the last two weeks, you could not even provide them with basic necessities such as groceries, yet were at the movies on Saturday (Nov 21) night.

Note that both J. and Z. were sent back in full winter attire, including hats and mittens, and N. was sent in his good winter coat. If you are going to be walking the children in this type of whether, you need to communicate that to me ahead of time so I can send A. and N. with proper hat/mitts.

Maybe we should discuss how Z. does not have sneakers for school, so he is forced to wear his winter boots in class, in spite of us providing him with 4 pairs of sneakers since Sept. Or how Z. arrived here less than a month ago wearing a pair of crocs. Perhaps we can also discuss how J.’s shoes that are less than 3 months old have had the toe chewed out of them, and that they seem to be the only shoes she has, despite her being provided 5 pairs in addition to them since Sept, all of which have travelled to your home, never to return.

Or perhaps we can discuss how N.’s crib is up for sale on Kijiji, and given the fact that “if Mommy sleeps in, and we miss the bus, we don’t go to school” I sincerely hope that he has age appropriate and safe sleeping arrangements. Or maybe about how every single time we receive Nate back from you he seems to have a bloody raw bum rash to the point I have had to take him to the hospital for treatment. Or how about how Z. did not have the proper glasses for the last 13 days, as they were broken at your house and you did not bother to go and get them fixed (even though they are under warranty), and in spite of the fact that L. offered to take them with her and to transport him and his glasses to Vogue immediately to have them fixed.

Or perhaps about how the boys have indicated that the dog urinates and defecates all over their bed, and they have to sleep in dirty blankets because Mommy doesn’t clean them properly. Or perhaps we can talk about the garbage all up and down your stairwell when L. went to pick up the children. As I recall that stairwell was also full of garbage the last two times I had to get the police to supervise the drop off.

Or how about how J. says “Mommy’s house is “gross” “ and that she “likes coming to Daddy’s because it’s clean here”. Or about the fact that the children seem utterly amazed about the fact that they get both lunch AND dinner here. J. has asked I request that you no longer force her to eat “rice sandwiches” as she really doesn’t care for them.

There are proper government agencies should you have any concerns with respect to how our children are being looked after while in my care. My home is not the one with an open child protection case.

Also, regarding your request to have the children phone you, per the existing court order there is to be no phone contact between our households, everything needs to be in email so it is documented. Since you obviously have email access, I would expect your mother would have no further need of attempting to pass messages on your behalf. In the future, if there is any issues with you being able to meet the pick up or drop off times, I would ask you communicate them to me directly, via email as directed by the courts.

Please tell our children I love them and will see them Friday at 8am at the Lansdowne Tim Horton’s.

Regards,

Steven

Look, I know that custody battles are no fun. I know they can be a blood bath. I can accept that. But c'mon lady, what are you doing??? Seriously? If you want to make veiled accusations of child abuse, do it the proper way. Have the balls to contact child protection with your concerns so that people that are trained to deal with these kind of things can do a proper investigation.

O wait... you did that once didn't you??? Back in July when you accused me of grabbing Z. by the wrist, except that when the oldest children where interviewed they told the worker they admitted that you told them to say this, and that the allegations were identical word for word out of two children's mouths. By the way, just for your future reference C., 5 and 6 year old children don't use phrases like "supervise the situation" might want to keep that in mind the next time you decide to launch "malicious accusations" . Those were child protections words, not mine. And you've already been told that the next time you decide to take that route, you're not likely to be taken very seriously.

There's so much that I would love to be able to say to C., but alas for Steve and the children's sake, I've bit my tongue. I think given the oppurtunity, my open letter to C. would look something like this...

C.,

I think it's time you started using your children as less of a meal ticket and treating them like a child deserves to be treated. Their not "your" children like you often tell us in your emails. Labeling children as "mine", "yours" implies ownership. This may come as a surprise but not only do you not own these children, ownership of humans was outlawed back in the days of Lincoln.

It's time for you to close your legs, and your door to the constant men in and out of your children's life. Labeling a man as a fiance doesn't mean anything when we all know that he'll be gone in a couple months, but that's what happens when you allow a man to move in after knowing him just 4 days. If you can't have a little respect for yourself, at least have it for your children. All four of your children are getting to an age when they're becoming aware and when they see you bringing in a different man every few weeks, they'll start to think that's normal for adult relationships. It's not. You have a minimum of 3 days without the children in your care. Use that time to be a cum dumpster.

Yes, I know exactly what it's like to be a single mother of 4 very young children. I've been there. I know what it's like to be broke, and frustrated to not know where the next meal is going to come from. I've had to use welfare, food banks, all of it. And if I ever found myself in a situation where I needed to use those services again, I know that they'd be there. These services arn't in place for you to take advantage of, they exsist for when someone's having a hard time and just needs an extra boost to survive. There meant to be a temporary measure, get up off your lazy ass and get a job. Suck it up buttercup, the world doesn't owe you. You are responsible for making sure the kids have the basics like food, it's NOT ok to merely toss them aside and pretend you arn't a parent for 2 weeks out of the month because your welfare money ran out. Perhaps you should have thought about that before you went to the movies, or bought that second, third or fourth drink at the bar. It's time to be a parent to the 4 children you were a part of making. Consider yourself luckier than most single parents. I didn't have a break at all from my children for the first 3 years (or more) of their lives, and I also had one child with special needs.

Speaking of being lazy, since you don't have a job to go to, and only 2 kids during the day while the others are at school, there's no reason for your apartment to be as filthy as it is. It's disgusting. Not to mention unsanitary for 4 kids, especially when one is a baby. Get up off your lazy ass and clean your home.

You choose to have a dog, so again, get up off your lazy ass and take it out for a walk so it stops urinating and deificating in the children's beds, and on their clothes. Although I don't understand why someone who admits they can't afford to feed their children in the fist place even has a dog... it's yet another responsibility, another mouth to feed.

A child needs their mother, start acting like one. And while your at it, your actions tell me you could really use some serious psychiatric interventions. I know telling you this is useless but if you help yourself, you'll also be helping your children. They don't need to see you too lazy to get up out of bed, too lazy to clean, too lazy to work. They seriously don't need to see you acting like a whore either. Take a bath, brush your hair and your teeth and look after yourself and those beautiful children.

The next time you decide to pick on someone like a common school yard bully, choose your battles a little more wisely. When it comes to caring for children, first off I'm a product of the foster care system, I know first hand what's allowable and what's not, not only did I graduate high school (more than you) I received my diploma in early childhood education. I also completed two and a half years towards my nursing bachlorette (specializing in obstetrical care with a minor in psychology, I was a lifeguard by the time I was 16, and I owned a registered licensed daycare for the past five years. I have my clearance from child protection to care for foster children. Not only can I produce a list taller than me of parents that have used my services in the past, and would continue to make use of my services were they made available to them, that list includes foster parents, social workers and the very same judge that's hearing the case of the custody involving your children. I do believe that I am very well qualified to care for your children appropriately.

It's time to grow up, your children need their mother, no body can ever take that role away from you. Stop being so jealous of me and my role in your children and your ex's life. Take that hurt and anger or whatever it is and use it towards raising those children. Do you really want them to grow up to be bitter adults that follow in your foot steps? There's no reason why everyone involved in this shouldn't be able to each play a role in your children's life.

ahhhh now if only I could send that.

It's too early to be awake...

Ahhhh.... Steve's back home. One more night shift to go and then woohoo it's the weekend (well, not quite, just the weekend for Steve). I like when his days off fall during the week, his kids are at their Mom's, mine are at school, and we can actually get some great "us" time.

It's going to take a long time to get used to Steve. I keep waiting for the "real" Steve to show. I guess I'm still used to what life was like with my ex. Don't get me wrong, I like that I don't have to walk on eggshells, or be afraid of what the day will bring. I love how thoughtful Steve is, his amazing sense of humor. I like that I don't have to be afraid anymore.

"I like that I don't have to be afraid anymore." Guess that's a bit of a loaded statement. I'm glad my children aren't living that way anymore. I never realized how much they could hear or that they knew what was going on when they would scatter off to their room. I'm grateful that it's all behind us. I'm grateful we survived it. We have our scars... but we survived.

Everything about Steve amazes me. I can't believe I managed to ever find someone like him. For once, I can say I'm lucky.

A fellow adoptee had this posted on their facebook this morning;

Social Interview asks When someone says they love you, do you believe them?

"I answered ''I don't. I have never been able to trust or believe it when some compliments me, praises me, or tells me they love me. I do take to heart the nasty stuff I've been called, told, or over heard.''

Thank you J., you summed up exactly how I feel most of the time. My own mother didn't love me enough to keep me and gave me away. My adoptive mother treated me so horrible that child protection took me away. My ex tried to kill me. Why would I believe it when someone says they love me?

I'm fully capable of loving someone, I try to show Steve I love him all the time, but when it comes to receiving love... that's a whole different ball game.

I'm sorry Steve, it seems like you got the shitty end sometimes with me. I love you, but it's going to take a long time for me to trust you in what you say and to believe you when you say it. It's nothing you've done, and there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe time will change things, but it's going to take a lot of it.

Sometimes I just don't know how Steve puts up with me. I have my needy side and as hard as I try to not let that side show, sometimes I can't help it. I don't feel "love-able"

Maybe that's why I want to put off marriage. I love Steve, I'm not going anywhere... and I would hope neither is he. I don't need that piece of paper that tells me that. I once heard someone describe marriage as an ownership thing, and the more I thought of it the more it made sense to me. I don't feel a need to "own" Steve, and I would hope he feels the same. Between my birth, my adoption and my marriage I've had a lot more last names than most people ever see. I don't need another last name or a new identity. I'm still trying to discover who I really am. Maybe someday I'll give in and really want it. Now's not that time.

I used to like that fact that there was no strings. That if things ever went south (can't see it, but still....) I could walk away and never look back. But I've been thinking about that, and it's completely not true. I can't just walk away from "his" kids. They've become a part of me. I'm not their mother and I never will be, I can accept that. They have a mother, their mother, and even with her short comings, she still is and always will be their mother. I want to be there to see them grow up and know that I had a part of that. I also fear that separating our children would only hurt them. They act like siblings now. Their all starting to find their little niche's in the family.

This will be our first Christmas all together as one very big family. The preparations have been under way for a couple months now. I want to do it in a big way. I know last year Christmas was horrible for Steve and his kids, I want to show them just how great and how much fun Christmas can be. I'm kind of hoping that Steve's parents will decide to join us, from what I know they'll be spending Christmas just the two of them, and maybe they're happy with that, but to me Christmas is family, and the more family the better. My own won't be there, I guess Steve's is the next best thing.

I'm going to miss my big new years bash this year. Every year on New years day I would do the huge turkey supper and invite everyone over. I've always looked forward to it. It's a great time after the rush of the holidays to sit back, relax and enjoy some great company. Being in a new city where I don't know anyone, it's a little hard to do something like that, at least not on the scale we're used to doing. It's the one big tradition we had every year that I'm really going to miss... perhaps next year when I know a few more people.